Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Did She Fall Down And Crack Her Bob On The Pavement

As reported via Radar Online, Met Ball Chairperson and Vogue Empress Anna Wintour expressly excluded Kim Kardashian from the annual Costume Institute Gala, specifically prohibiting The Marriage Counselor star’s purchase of a $25,000 ticket, while permitting Kate Upton’s purchase of a ticket.

While E News, courtesy a source whose initial husband I’ll assume once represented O.J. Simpson, asserted a previous engagement compelled Kim’s absence, I believe Radar given this pair of obvious realities: Kim has appeared upon the covers of Allure, Cosmo, Glamour, Harper’s Bazaar, Marie Claire, People, People Style Watch, Self, Shape, Us Weekly, never Vogue. Why?

Why has Anna Wintour remained silent? If Radar’s account were inaccurate, the Vogue Sovereign could simply placate Kardashian devotees, a fraction of whom must read Vogue, with thirty-three words: Kim Kardashian was not excluded from the Costume Institute Gala. Vogue recognizes and appreciates Kim’s contributions to charity, fashion, and popular culture and we hope for collaboration with Kim and her family soon.
A third and most perplexing question: Why would Kim Kardashian; Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Kourtney and Kim Take New York star; K-Dash and Kardashian designer; Virgin, Saints, and Angels collaborator; Shoe Dazzle architect; the eighth most followed person upon twitter; be excluded and her money refused, while Anna Wintour accepts someone whose sole “accomplishments” are a rumored relationship with an inadequate quarterback, an unattractive magazine cover, and a video game commercial whose target audience is frat sleaze who spend their hours between keg stands and sessions of MLB 2K12 consuming porn.

Compare Kim and Kate and seriously anyone who has ever read one sentence within Diabetes magazine could make this decision.

While Kim K rocks a must have red tribal mini which she could easily transition onto a red carpet, Kate teeters in a dress no doubt fished from some tragic Casual Corner's clearance bin and a lopsided trench which would be better served as my grandmother's muumuu.

Kim exudes mysterious as she stealthily slinks this sumptuous frilly dress, while Kate flaunts an affectation which this evening, Lindsay Lohan sued for infringing upon her trademark I just snorted eyes and I'm sloshed wobble.

Kanye was obvi referencing wedding, yet he should be as enamored with his love's ensemble as I am. Kim is twenty carat exquisite in this form flattering white frock, which she accents with a precious clutch and earrings, while Kate's gaudy hair, inappropriately exposed boob, and protruding painted bones evoke a Blades of Glory interlude... I don't even know what this means. No one knows what it means, but it's provocative. No it's not, it's gross.

As the Quicktrim Spokesperson brandishes a sparkly mini which radiates assurance and sensuality, the Three Stooges "actress" remunerates Anna Wintour with a moment which resembles Anna Nicole Smith three months before her initial Lane Bryant campaign.

Kim, as if these comparisons are not beyond words unfair as of now, flitters from her exercise session in chic black and white accented with a tan tote, while Kate appears as sloppy as that afternoon she attempted the Dougie.

Both Kim and Kate may include Carl's Jr siren upon their resumes. However, Kate clearly must have spent two weeks eating burgers, I mean, shooting her burger commercial, while Kim flashes the fabulous results of a Cranberry Apple Walnut Chicken Salad.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Future Theorized, Past Irrelevant

Fashion Star’s triple elimination, duel piece, one sale could not ensure retention penultimate challenge saw seven sales as the aspiring designers sought realization of the buyer’s request for a comprehensive collection. Despite this evening’s and more significantly, this season’s overall performance; Nicole Christie (H&M), Terron Schaefer (Saks Fifth Avenue), and Caprice Willard (Macy’s) stunned me as I knew they would, advancing Ronnie Escalante, Kara Laricks, and Nzimiro Oputa into this series six million dollar finale.

Ronnie Escalante not only received an invitation into the decisive episode, he became only the third combatant north of $400,000 sold as H&M acquired his quintessential dress ($40) and Macy's acquired his chic and urbane suit ($208).

Kara Laricks thought about consumers shopping retailers whose name is not Saks, as she chose H&M as the destination for this adventurous dress ($25) and Macy's as the destination for this sophisticated trench ($99).

Despite Orly Shani registering this competition's second most prodigious production ($430,000 sold), including a triad of ninth episode vestments, she was still one of a pair of participants who are north of Nzimiro, yet eliminated. Celebrate the Tuc and Wes founder with a purchase of her contemporary trousers ($25), innovate blazer ($40), or my personal favorite, this striking sleeveless dress ($295).

While Nikki Poulos finally presented a piece which was not a Maxi dress, this unique and uninhibited striped dress ($295), which Saks procured, she was still one of a trio of competitors with five sales recorded and without a decisive episode reservation.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Nightmare At The Museum

The 65th Met Ball transpired this evening and while a minuscule portion ensured this event was as advertised, Fashion’s Night of Nights, the vast majority of luminaries essentially served as extras within Anna Wintour’s directorial debut, Night of the Lavishly Damned. Below are my Best and Worst Dressed and frankly, restraining myself with only a trio of the latter was a serious accomplishment.


Camilla Belle, whom I seriously adore and I've been told I resemble (not bragging), exudes seductive resplendence in this Ralph Lauren roaring twenties inspired beaded silver gown. The Open Road star's mysterious eyes and lips further evoke an explicit question: How is she perpetually perfect? 

Ashley Greene and Donna Karan's spectacular courtship continued as the 1996 CFDA Womenswear Designer of the Year bequeathed the Americana actress this phenomenal frock. The design exquisitely encapsulates Ashley's stated style, classic with a modern twist.

Jessica Biel, whose playful and pleasant personality I enjoyed upon meeting her inside the Beverly Hills Hotel, owned this simple, yet striking Prada. The gown's glow almost exceeded the future Mrs. Justin Timberlake's sixteen and one half carat engagement ring.


Mary-Kate Olsen, I have seriously loved you and your sister since Full House and I'm Talking How The West Was Fun and Winning London, but seriously what the Future Charlie's Angel were you thinking? The Dual Star Co-President appears thirty years north of aged and thirty pounds south of frail in this The Row, which is MKO's label, gown. I'm seriously reconsidering every compliment I ever extended her.

Florence Welch, you are a Grammy nominated and MTV Video Music Award winning musician, but you require a stylist (call me!). This Alexander McQueen catastrophe, and I'm using a charitable adjective, could whimsically clothe Lady Gaga as she performs Edge of Glory. However, this Christmas Tree is NOT acceptable Met Ball attire.

Gwyneth Paltrow, wearing the exact label Jessica Biel enhanced, appears as if Moses not only consumed every ounce of her hot water (yes, she showers with her children), he also monopolized every moment she could and should have spent before a mirror. This Prada abomination commences with inappropriate side boob and concludes with saddle bags sufficiently large for holding Apple (her daughter, not the snack).

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Keep Makin' Me Ill (Week Two)

I have what the unenlightened would deride as a compulsion, fetish, infatuation, or obsession, yet I value as a virus every male and female should contract, Seriously Irresistible Shoes Syndrome. I need clothes (how many consecutive afternoons can one wear Lauren Conrad leggings? Love you LC), however when I even glimpse espadrilles, flats, sandals, stilettos, or wedges; necessities be damned! My eyes shimmer, my heart flutters, and within two hours, I’m reorganizing my closet because last week’s pair has new neighbors.

These Betsey Johnson 'Tricksy' Sandals ($150) exquisitely synthesize princess and provocative, perfect for amplifying an audacious pink mini or sharpening a sophisticated LBD.

These classic, yet crisp Hinge 'Ledge' Sandals ($109) will ingeniously compliment a frisky floral summer dress or an uncomplicated solid color t-shirt and black skinny jeans.
These Kate Spade New York 'Stella' Slingback Sandals ($325), equal measure saucy and sweet, will elegantly mingle a chic white dress or dress pant and modern floral bow.

These artistic and earthy Sam Edelman 'Nalo' Sandals ($150), a pair of which I own, are not only super comfortable, their exterior is incomparably versatile, easily melding black, blue, brown, green, and more.

These Steve by Steve Madden 'Banndo' Sandals ($189), paramount for that occasionally required pop of exotic,will seductively accent a black or silver top and form flattering skinny jeans.