Monday, May 7, 2012

Nightmare At The Museum

The 65th Met Ball transpired this evening and while a minuscule portion ensured this event was as advertised, Fashion’s Night of Nights, the vast majority of luminaries essentially served as extras within Anna Wintour’s directorial debut, Night of the Lavishly Damned. Below are my Best and Worst Dressed and frankly, restraining myself with only a trio of the latter was a serious accomplishment.


Camilla Belle, whom I seriously adore and I've been told I resemble (not bragging), exudes seductive resplendence in this Ralph Lauren roaring twenties inspired beaded silver gown. The Open Road star's mysterious eyes and lips further evoke an explicit question: How is she perpetually perfect? 

Ashley Greene and Donna Karan's spectacular courtship continued as the 1996 CFDA Womenswear Designer of the Year bequeathed the Americana actress this phenomenal frock. The design exquisitely encapsulates Ashley's stated style, classic with a modern twist.

Jessica Biel, whose playful and pleasant personality I enjoyed upon meeting her inside the Beverly Hills Hotel, owned this simple, yet striking Prada. The gown's glow almost exceeded the future Mrs. Justin Timberlake's sixteen and one half carat engagement ring.


Mary-Kate Olsen, I have seriously loved you and your sister since Full House and I'm Talking How The West Was Fun and Winning London, but seriously what the Future Charlie's Angel were you thinking? The Dual Star Co-President appears thirty years north of aged and thirty pounds south of frail in this The Row, which is MKO's label, gown. I'm seriously reconsidering every compliment I ever extended her.

Florence Welch, you are a Grammy nominated and MTV Video Music Award winning musician, but you require a stylist (call me!). This Alexander McQueen catastrophe, and I'm using a charitable adjective, could whimsically clothe Lady Gaga as she performs Edge of Glory. However, this Christmas Tree is NOT acceptable Met Ball attire.

Gwyneth Paltrow, wearing the exact label Jessica Biel enhanced, appears as if Moses not only consumed every ounce of her hot water (yes, she showers with her children), he also monopolized every moment she could and should have spent before a mirror. This Prada abomination commences with inappropriate side boob and concludes with saddle bags sufficiently large for holding Apple (her daughter, not the snack).